


Wake me up from dreams so known

by prinz_charlie



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Nightmares, PTSD, Post-Canon, Scars, hey get outta the way i'm projecting here, honestly do yourself a favor and don't read this it's a mess, i have an exam in 5 hours and wrote this instead of studying call that a coping mecahnism, implied urge to self harm, started making it had a breakdown bon appetit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27091969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prinz_charlie/pseuds/prinz_charlie
Summary: Catra didn't mean to get bad again.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 171





	Wake me up from dreams so known

**Author's Note:**

> mind the tags for trigger warnings, thanks for clicking and enjoy reading! 
> 
> tumblr & twitter: @ haveuseenmylife

Catra didn't mean to get bad again. She noticed it way too quickly and had yet denied it to herself for too long. She wanted to be horrified at the fact that she had just watched herself go back there and hadn't even cared about it.

But something about the dark of that place was comforting, in contrary to his light.

She didn't mean to get bad again and watch herself do it. But years of suppressing everything that could have ever made someone question her capability of being a leader, or even just made someone see a crack in the perfect facade had made hiding become a part of her.

And so far, it had worked out fine - hiding everything. She was a master at it. But what Catra always ignored was the fact that there was one place where she couldn’t hide…

Flash.

Catra had been called many things, amongst them "Horde Scum" and "stupid" and "not as talented as Adora". But what had burned itself into her mind was "worthless".

"Though I doubt she will serve me long."

"Everything Catra does is destroy. She's not worthy. Of anyone."

"She only gets in the way."

"Don't let her confuse you."

There were many different ways she had been called useless by even more different people. Some more explicit and painful than others. But the worst thing? They had been proven right. Here she was standing, ready for her cleansing - to become pure and serve someone. For him, she would be enough. The pool gave off ice cold radiation, seemingly luring its victims. But not her, she wouldn't fall for that. She had made the conscious decision to become one of them. What else did she have left? She didn't matter. It was too late for her, that was for sure, but that didn't mean she couldn't still be selfish and take this. As part of the hivemind, she would be worth something, she would serve a purpose and not be stranded as a worthless piece of garbage in the wide empire of his light.

Flash.

“Didn’t believe in you.”

Flash.

Every creature had a place in the serving of Horde Prime. This was her chance, her way of showing the world what she had to give. What she could do. Horde Prime needed her, as long as she was of value to him, she had a place in this world. And if there was one thing that Catra knew how to do, it was surviving.

Flash.

"Though I doubt she will serve me long"

Another flash.

“Left you.”

Another bright green flash.

A blonde girl stood next to him, short hair, an empty gaze, ramrod.

“Welcome, little sister.”

Catra awoke with a scream. A hand grabbed hers and in the split of a second, she clawed in that direction in defense. A scream of pain came from next to her, and in the next moment, her wrists were gripped by a strong force and pushed back. Catra yelled in fear. How had he come here? How was he back? She tried opening her eyes, but they were sealed. She fought harder. Abortive. The grip around her wrists tightened and forced her arms down.

“Catra, it’s just me.”

Her motions abruptly stopped. That voice… The force let go of her and she immediately clawed at the bedsheets, her breath increasing rapidly. Had he taken control of her? How…? A familiar itch at the back of her neck settled in. 

“It was just a nightmare, calm down.” She felt a hand on her back and an itch went through her neck. She flinched away. No. No this couldn’t be… he couldn’t have returned, he couldn’t have made her one of his own. “Can you hear me?” Another hand on her shoulder. Catra put her head in her hands, pressing against her temples. What had he done? How had he found a way back into her dreams, he… He couldn’t hurt her, too! He couldn’t take Adora!

“Listen to me.”

Catra’s eyes fluttered open, and she was met with Adora right next to her, a hand of hers resting on her shoulder. “Adora”, she breathed out.

“I’ve got you”, Adora said. “Calm down, it’s ok.”

Catra shook her head. “No, it’s…” Her eyes went wide, and a bolt of shock and sudden realization went through her. “It’s been a year.”

The blonde frowned. “What?”

Catra scooted back on the bed, away from Adora. “It’s been a year”, she said, her voice wavering. She got up, stumbling back. “I… I hurt you, didn’t I? I scratched you!”

“Don’t worry about that”, Adora wrote her question off. So she did! She had hurt Adora. Again. “Sit down again, Catra, it’s fine, do you want me to get you a glass of water?"

The brunette's mind was fogged up with memories. „No, you don’t understand, Adora, it’s been a year… I-“ Her voice broke and she wrapped her arms around herself, stumbling back against the wall, her heartbeat picking up rapidly.

Adora held out a hand in an attempt to soothe her. “It’s fine, calm down.”

Catra shook her head, burying her hands in her hair. “No, Adora, nothing’s fine, nothing about this is ok or any other of your oh so great, positive, perfect words! Nothing about this is good!” Her voice broke and she felt her body starting to shake, her knees getting weak and threatening to buckle underneath her. “It’s been a year, Adora! A whole year! And I still… Ugh!” She screamed, ripping at her hair and pressing her eyes closed. “It’s been a year and I still feel him everywhere! I still hear his voice in my head, I still feel the cold and white, I still have nightmares because of him, Adora! Don’t you understand?” She let out a sob, clawing at her neck now, her breath increasing rapidly and her body shaking more violently.

“Catra…” Adora’s voice got caught in her throat. “It’s ok, you’re safe here.”

“Don’t come near me!”, Catra yelled. She had lost all care in the world for who might hear them, no one cared anyway. She scratched at her neck more violently, drawing blood now. Her heartbeat picked up again and she leaned against the wall, her knees buckling under her. With a shaky breath, she said “I don’t want to hurt you. Not another damn time! Please, Adora, don’t touch me!” God, she could practically see the scars on Adora's back. She hadn't explored them in detail yet and if she was being honest, she didn't know if she ever wanted to, not until they would heal. But would they ever?

"Catra, calm down", Adora said soothingly. "It's fine, don't worry about it." She got up from the bed, wincing a little at the material of her shirt scraping over the scratches. Catra only took that as another reason to bring as much distance between her and Adora as possible. She knew herself too well as to think that she wouldn't claw at her in a moment of fear or anger.

She was working on unlearning that behavior, of course. Perfuma helped her every week and while Catra had nearly clawed her eyes out during their first session, she had gotten better and better at controlling her anger. But once she was in rage... well, that was a whole different can of worms. Even if this was Adora standing right in front of her, asking her to calm down and giving her a chance to get better, she couldn't help the memories that flooded her brain! She couldn't help the images of Adora squirming on the ground in pain, her back the color of flaming red. She couldn't help the urge to scar her own face in return, that only grew stronger the closer Adora came. Why didn't she understand? Why did she always have to play the hero, god, couldn't she understand that she couldn't fix everything!

“Please stay away”, Catra whimpered.

Adora still came closer. “Ok, you have to listen to me now.”

“I can’t listen to you!”, Catra interrupted her. “Don’t you get it, this isn’t about you and I don’t need you to save me right now! I need it to stop!”

The room went quiet. Adora stopped dead in the tracks, her gaze resting on Catra who was now crouched down on the floor, her head facing down and hidden by her legs that she had pulled close to her body. The only thing to be heard were Catra’s attempts at taking calming breaths, all of them failing miserably and sending her even deeper into the panic. She went through what she had just said, her brain fogging up with clouds so green and poisonous, they took her breath away. God, why had she just said that? What was wrong with her!

“Please”, she attempted to calm herself. “Just stay away, Adora, please.”

She looked up, blinking away the tears and her breath got caught.

Adora was already gone.

Her heart plummeted. Of course, she was gone! That’s what she wanted, wasn’t it? She wanted her to go, she had told her to stay away! So why did she want to smash her head into the wall behind her now and run after Adora? Before she left again… God, what if she left again? She couldn’t leave again, Catra needed her! Not after everything that had happened between them and she finally got to hold her again and things were the way they should be! Why had she messed this up? What was it with her and driving away every single person that had ever cared for her and wanted her and offered to hold her? What was wrong with her!

The itch at the back of her neck grew more prominent again. And with the itch, the memories. Catra let out a scream of agony. “No”, she whimpered. “No, no, no, make it stop, please just make it stop!” She pressed her eyelids together, trying to get rid of the images but they only became clearer. Felt clearer.

Cold.

So, so cold, everything was so clean and white, so poisonous and deadly. The green bath. The cleansing that would make her whole again. That would make her part of something and make her belong and made her have creatures around her that didn’t loathe her but appreciated her as another puzzle piece that would lead them to glory. Catra had never hated herself more before than at this exact moment. She hadn’t known herself until that moment when she looked into those green, evil eyes that hid behind feigned care. The bath was cold, ice cold. Pain flickered through her body. Suddenly her whole body was possessed by an outside force that would rip apart her inside and outside and rearrange it. But maybe then she would serve a purpose. Maybe then she would feel whole again! Could someone as broken as her even be repaired again? She was shaking with pain and fear and knowing deep down that what she was doing was exactly what she had sworn never to do but here she was, getting ready to become a mindless alien. Maybe this was what she truly needed to achieve peace. Maybe this was the right choice after all.

Except it wasn’t. Horde Prime himself had said that she wasn’t of use. Worthless. That she wouldn’t even have served him as a vessel for a significant amount of time. He could have just thrown her away then and there, but no, instead he had made her believe that it would get better.

And did it get better? Did it?

Here she was, sobbing on the floor of Bright Moons castle, scratching herself to pieces because of that goddamn chip that must have burned itself into her brain.

The worst thing was that she had been doing so well. She had gotten her anger under control, having Perfuma help her whenever she didn’t know what to do, in case she’d snap after all. She had been able to let Adora cuddle her to sleep and believe that it actually meant something. She hadn’t had a single memory of him that she couldn’t handle in a humane way in months. She had always managed to calm herself down or just let the tears out. For a little over two months, the memories had even stopped tormenting her entirely. She had been doing so well! And then she had just watched herself become... _this_ again. 

And now? Adora had probably left her and wouldn’t look at her the next day. Adora would never want to love someone like her, how had she been such a fool?

Suddenly Catra felt a hand on her elbow and she looked up, a dull pain flashing through her head at the sudden motion. “Adora-“ Her voice got caught in her throat. “What are you…?”

Adora didn’t say a word, she only lifted her hand for Catra to discover a wet cloth in her hand and crouched down next to Catra. “You’re sweating”, she stated calmly. “Come here.” Catra didn’t object, only stared at her aghast. She hadn’t left. Why hadn’t she left? Adora lifted the cloth to Catra’s forehead and wiped the beads of sweat away. She also wiped the dried tears on Catra’s cheeks away and softly pushed her hair out of her face. The cold suddenly felt good. She put the cloth down and Catra let out a breath, staring at Adora aghast. The blonde now got up and turned around.

“What are you…?”, Catra’s voice rose in pitch.

Adora didn’t respond and opened a window, the cold night air flooding into the room. She went back to Catra and sat down next to her. “You need to breathe”, she said.

Catra stared at her, her heartbeat settling a little. “You didn’t leave”, she choked out, her voice barely above a whisper.

Adora’s pupils widened. “You thought…? Of course, I didn’t leave”, she said a little softer. “How could you ever believe that?"

In the flick of a second Catra had thrown herself into Adora’s arms, not even caring what she thought of her at that moment. She needed to be selfish right and that for completely different reasons than a year ago. She needed Adora to tell her that everything would be ok, that she wouldn’t leave but hold her. She needed her warmth. She pulled herself closer to Adora, pushing herself up a little so she could lean her head against her chest and listen to her heartbeat.

She had been doing so well. Bitter tears welled up in her eyes. His cold voice resounded in the back of her head and she pulled herself yet closer. “I’m sorry”, she said, her voice weak and exhausted. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“It’s ok”, Adora responded, now carefully placing a hand on Catra’s back. The feline let her.

They sat there in silence for a while, Catra trying to soothe her breath as she listened to Adora’s heartbeat and tried to sync her own with it. When she had finally managed to calm down enough to take a breath without falling into another panic, her grip around Adora’s torso loosened, exhaustion replacing the tension. They both sat up a little, scooting back against the wall. Catra rested her head on Adora’s shoulder and Adora wrapped an arm around her torso.

The room was colder than before, the coldness of the night seeping in through the window and engulfing them. Somehow Adora’s warmth was enough to keep her in the moment, though.

“It’s been a year”, Catra finally broke the silence. “It’s been a year since he… since I let him take control.” She stared at the floor in front of her, trying to distance herself from the memories as best as she could. Maybe the picture of the even floor would drive back every other picture. “I didn't want to give up my free will. But I wanted it to stop", it slipped from her tongue. She pulled her legs up to her chest trying to ground herself and let herself sink into her girlfriend’s side.

"You wanted what to stop?", Adora asked cautiously,

Catra took a shaky breath. "The pain. I thought that if I went down, at least you'd be safe." _That I'd have a purpose then._ "That..."

"That what?", Adora tried to help.

_That at least I'd be good for something._

Catra shook her head again. "Nothing."

Horde Prime’s voice echoed in the back of her head. "Though I don't think she would last me that long." The coldness dripping from his tone sent shivers down her spine. He was right. She wouldn't even have mattered to him, she was just another puzzle piece in his game to power and rule over Etheria. To believe that the chip had actually made her believe that Horde Prime cared about her...

"Not that it mattered in the end", she whispered.

Hesitantly Adora longed for Catra's hand. The feline didn't pull back this time. Instead, her hand shot out from the knot she had kept her arms in and she gripped Adora's hand and squeezed it. Adora squeezed back, still keeping eye contact.

"What did it feel like?", Adora asked. Catra's gaze immediately flicked away to the floor. It was so clean, and with the moonlight falling through the open window she could almost see her reflection in it. Just like before her cleansing. She couldn't stand gazing at her reflection, even in such sparse light, the hair that he had shortened, clipped just like her personality, robbing her of all hope to ever forget him.

"Cold", Catra whispered.

"Were you scared?", Adora asked again.

Catra hesitated, before forcing her gaze away from the water. "I didn't mean to be."

"Are you still scared of him?"

Flash. White. Another flash. Cold. So cold. A shiver ran down Catra's spine. Alone.

_It was over. What else was she supposed to do, there was nothing left for her! Nothing good, at least. She pressed her eyes shut. No. She had done too much evil in her life, had become the person she swore she'd bring to her downfall._

“Catra? Hey, stay with me, ok?”, Adora ripped her out of the spiral, her grip around her torso tightening.

Catra continued staring straight at the floor, trying to find patterns in it. Patterns. She feared that that was a part he had implanted in her, feared, that it was still a left-over that had anchored itself in her brain.

"Do I look like I’m scared of him?", she answered with a question, her voice weak and defeated.

Neither of them said anything.

Adora's eyes drifted down to their hands laying in her lap.

They spent what felt like hours on that floor, entangled. Catra fell asleep in Adora’s arms, tiredness overtaking her body and Adora’s body temperature making her feel a little bit more whole than before. Adora stayed seated on the ground, combing through Catra’s hair and pressing her cheek to her head, her thumb brushing over the back of her hand from time to time.

Everything wasn’t going to be ok the next day.

But falling didn’t feel so bad when they were together.


End file.
